I Used to Like Her

I was in Dunkin’ Donuts today. For the sake of flow, please do not ask me why.

Standing there, I saw a big poster of Rachael Ray about to dip a donut into some coffee. The poster said “Gingeriffic” in the top left corner. And she was smiling and staring right into the camera. She was essentially dipping her donut in the most fake way possible.

If she was doing that in real life in front of me and we had been seeing each other for more than a day, I would have said, “Pay attention to the dip or you are going to splash!! Jeez, Ray-Ray. F’in kindergarten basics.”

I felt irrational and overwhelming annoyance at her.

Normally, I’d take a moment and tell myself that the WAY she is eating the donut is not really the ISSUE. Just like the WAY the one before her had carried her handbag, or the WAY the one before her kept leaving the toilet seat down, or the WAY that one had chosen to get a perm, or the WAY the most recent one would not put back things in their proper places at retail stores and the WAY she was shocked when I told her to put things back in retail stores because that’s what people who have had crappy jobs know to do -- All these WAYS were not really the ISSUE.

The issue is that somehow the picture perfectly captured how much Rachael Ray had become a sell-out. At that moment, possibly the only thing that would have seemed like she had sold-out even more is if I had found her in bed with Ronald McDonald at the Ronald McDonald Crack House in a makeshift mattress made of Styrofoam containers and dollar bills – which reminds me of a funny story from college.

Anthony Bourdain does a good job explaining:

She’s hugely influential, particularly with children. And she’s endorsing Dunkin’ Donuts. It’s like endorsing crack for kids.”

He adds: “I’m not a very ethical guy. I don’t have a lot of principles. But somehow that seems to me over the line. Juvenile diabetes has exploded. Half of Americans don’t have necks. And she’s up there saying, ‘Eat some [bleeping] Dunkin’ Donuts. You look great in that swimsuit - eat another doughnut!’ That’s evil.”

Here are some quotes from the Dunkin’ Donuts press release:

"We believe there is tremendous synergy between Dunkin' Donuts and Rachael Ray," said Robert Rodriguez, Dunkin' Donuts brand president. "Rachael's philosophy of creating quality meals quickly and without pretense for busy people living busy lives is the same driving force behind the Dunkin' Donuts brand."

"Everyone always asks me how I manage my schedule, and the answer is coffee," said Ray. "Having grown up in the Northeast, I have a long-standing and deep appreciation for Dunkin' Donuts' coffee.”

I have a long-standing and deep sensitivity toward bullshit. Rachael Ray makes me sick. I noticed a mole on her neck in the picture. Under different circumstances, it would have been provocative. Because of the size of the poster, the mole was the size of a quarter. She makes me sick.

Anyway, I once saw a movie with Robert Dinero in which his character, Neil McCauley, tells Al Pacino’s character, Vincent, “A guy told me one time, ‘Don’t get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you spot the heat around the corner.’”

I left that Dunkin’ Donuts in under 30 seconds. For the sake of flow, please do not ask me ‘with what?’

I left that Dunkin’ Donuts in under 30 seconds . . . and I never looked back.